Imagine making agreements with your ex and not having a person gaslight you on a regular basis.
Imagine going through a cooperative learning program in which most issues you’ve been dealing with for years are actually figured out and put in writing.
Imagine not having your kids feel the frustration from the games played during agreements and disagreements or lack there of.
Imagine not being cruel to your children and your ex any longer.
This would be so nice and it works well for the parents in the Tranquil Parenting program.
Prior to working in the program, frustrating situations like below are the norm.
Imagine receiving an email from your child’s father blaming you for not giving them extra time they never asked for, but also knowing they won’t let you see your child on your birthday, time is limited with your family due to distance and no alternate arrangements are possible AND the other parent won’t even agree to meet with you half way for drop offs…
Parents, this is divorce. Just know your ex is not your friend and that every day can be a holiday.
The email below is from an actual father (not named) doing this exact thing. He fought for an order and then blamed the mom for following the order.
This father fought for the local court’s holiday schedule and then argues that he is the one doing favors yet plays keep away on the days the mom actually asks for.
The holiday schedule calls for a 6pm transfer time.
In these cases I simply remind parents that any day can be a holiday and that not all emails need a response.
Notice only the children in the case have birthday privileges included in the schedule. That in itself is a problem. Parents and other siblings are not important enough, thus creating the opportunity for narcissistic traits…
It seems the times set is to be fair yet not perfect. I’ve heard one judge say, if parents cannot agree, this is the best most fair arrangement. If they want something else, they can agree to something else. If they cannot agree than this is their option. They can just deal with it.
I’ve also heard that eventually the schedule will switch as the years pass and eventually everything will be flipped due to the calendar changing. For this mom it has yet to flip and will not during her children’s childhood. She will never have the kids for her birthday. Aka, the kids will never be with their mom on her birthday unless the father allows or they go to court. Who knew during the divorce proceedings that one parent could actually play keep away like this and it would be allowed.
With the type personalities that cannot agree, it’s best to just stick to the order you have and not alter EVER unless you have a signed stipulation.
The mom in this case offered to sign a stipulation to agree to the adjustments suggested by the father in which he didn’t respond.
It seems the father simply wanted the night off for a Christmas party, but took advantage of a situation to look like a “good guy”.
Another situation for this family was parent teacher conferences. The mom requested to take the kids with her (as well as he). Dad agreed, but as long as his stipulations were met. Unfortunately, he refused to name his stipulations and would not sign anything.
Open ended agreements turn into a disaster when parents cannot agree. The father is not willing to settle anything on their own unless it’s through the courts using manipulation tactics of filing for full custody using a lot of money, CPS calls and therapist appointments that mom has no idea was going on.
This family tried to switch days in order for the kids to go to a wedding. The kids went to the wedding with yet another open ended agreement. The switch was to be on a Friday when the mom planned on having a house warming party for her new home. Dad changed his mind so mom rescheduled. Dad changed his mind again the day before the first scheduled date. So no one was available for the party besides the dad showing up to see the kids on the front sidewalk and a few friends in the back yard. Dad was pacing back and forth to see who was there trying to take a peek in the backyard at the new boyfriend.
These situations happen often when agreements are not made by stipulations and one parent won’t actually agree to anything in writing.
Financial agreements also remain unmet many times as they promise, but never follow through. You pay what you agreed to and they take you to court to pay what they want you to pay for in addition or at least half of what they agreed to. These type parents keep every record of anything they and their parents, uncles, brother, sisters etc. buy for your children just to show they pay more.
In the end, the courts see this, your ex knows this and of course the kids see this and know exactly what’s going on. One situation could be that the kids learn to disrespect their spouse or children just the same. The other is they begin to resent you.
To the parents playing this game, End result is not that your keeping your ex from your children.. your keeping your child away from the person they love on their birthday, holiday, the person they want to be with during tough times. You’re pushing them away from you. This is what cruelty looks like and it’s your fault.
Parents who want to change this pattern and move away from this type of cruelty, find alternative paths can apply to work with me.
In 6 sessions, all of this could end!
The programs belief is that with communication and cooperation, the parents can come together and allow their children to experience everything they would have participated in as if the parents never separated.